


Heavy Burden

by froobie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mention of blood, Post Break-up, Super Angst, im so sorry, nightmares about dead family members, so...so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4407965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froobie/pseuds/froobie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavellan is having trouble coping with her grief over the loss of her clan and family. Despite their romantic relationship coming to an end, she hopes Solas will offer her friendly comfort in the middle of the night.</p><p>Basically just an angsty little headcanon that I expanded into a scene. It's really angsty. I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavy Burden

Fira snapped awake. The room was dark, the night sky still black and dense with clouds hiding the moon and stars. The only source of light was the warm glow of half dead embers in her fireplace. Her heart was pounding. She tried to draw her knees towards her chest but her sheets were cold and damp and twisted around her legs. The restriction agitated her nerves and she pulled herself forward quickly, fumbling with clammy hands to free herself from the strangling threads. 

An icy draft hit her face with a sting that let her know her forehead was layered with perspiration. A cold bead of sweat rolled down her back from the nape of her neck causing her to shudder and her fingers to work quicker, grasping and tugging at the stubborn damp sheets. Anxiety continued to build in her chest and...

Faron’s face was suddenly in front of her. His pallid skin blinding against the sunlight. A dry brown river of blood coated the side of his face. His copper hair caked in dirt and hanging over lifeless eyes, dry and staring off into the middle distance.

Fira ripped her legs free and swung them over the side of the bed, grabbing at her eyes as though she could block the image from her view. A low whine escaped from somewhere deep in her throat and she turned her head to stare into the orange embers of the fire, hoping to burn the image from her mind by replacing it with something real.

It was too dark. She stood up and hastened towards the fireplace. Grabbing a log from the stack she tossed it atop the embers, setting it alight with a spell before it landed in a splash of ash and sparks.

Fira sank to the floor and stared into the flames. 

It was his face that had sent her clawing her way out of the fade. It wasn’t really him, of course. She wasn’t there when he died. She wasn’t there. She couldn’t know how slowly or painfully it happened. She couldn’t know what exactly his final moments were like. The only thing she was sure of, for all of them, was that it was violent.

Fira dropped her head into her hands and groaned.

“Stop stop stop. Just stop thinking about it--what is wrong with you??” she pleaded with herself.

But her mind felt stuck, spinning with images and guilt and an anxiety that sat at the center of her stomach and made her feel ill.

This had happened before. But Solas had always been there with her. He had kept the horrors from her in the fade. And when she was awake he would hold her and talk to her until the panic and despair had subsided.

“Fuck.” she spat. “Don’t think about him either.”

Fira stood up and paced in front of the fire a few times before her legs moved her towards the stairs to exit her quarters. She didn’t know where she was going. She was hardly aware of where she even was, she just knew she needed to be moving. 

Her body carried her down to the main hall of Skyhold. It was always well lit, but in the middle of the night there were only a few guards in the massive space. Without the usual crowd and conversation it felt dreadfully empty. Too empty, the wrongness of it added pressure to her chest. Her legs kept moving and she nodded distractedly at each guard as they acknowledged her in passing. 

The click of the door latch behind her was so loud it startled her out of her daze. She had beelined to the rotunda. Out of habit? It wasn’t a good idea. She knew it wasn’t a good idea. But somehow she was still walking towards his quarters. 

_’You do not have to mourn alone, I am here.’_

The memory of his voice rang inside her mind. They hadn’t spoken much since he had ended things. They had argued the first time she saw him after. But it had been over a week and since then they had succeeded in being...cordial. They were still friends, weren’t they? He didn’t want to be together anymore but did that mean he didn’t want to know her at all? They could at least still be there for each other as companions. They had shared so much, she couldn’t fathom that he didn’t still care about her as a person. It was humiliating and painful that he had rejected her affections so suddenly but the nightmares of her family were burned into her minds eye and the panic pulsing through every fiber of her body were so much louder than that. She needed to see him. Even if it was just as a friend, she needed the one person she had been able to share her grief with. He couldn’t forsake her for that, could he?

And suddenly she was there at his door. Her mind had been racing with rationalizations but it seemed like common sense and her nerves were so raw she wasn’t sure she even cared. She could see a faint flicker of light from his fire under the door as she knocked. She kept her eyes fixed there and moments later she could see his shadow spread across the thin line of light. A click from the latch and the door opened, soft light pouring out into the hall, but stopped as a single bare foot became visible.

Suddenly she felt like she was made of stone. She couldn’t move...couldn’t lift her head or her gaze to discover what she might read on his face. But it was only a few moments before he spoke first.

“Inquisitor?” His tone was cool and it sent a pang of cold anxiety into her gut.

She already regretted it but she strained to lift her chin and look him in the eye.

“I…” her voice stalled as she took in his chilly expression. “...I’m sorry I know it’s really late.” She paused again and watched, hoping his face would soften, but the mask of cordial indifference he had worn since that night was firmly in place. “I just...I’m having a hard time sleeping...” She couldn’t stand the look on his face anymore so she turned her gaze to the edge of the door and kept talking. “I keep ...seeing...them.” 

Saying it out loud somehow renewed the images in her mind, hitting her with a force that had her reaching out to place a hand on the stones by the door. Solas stayed silent. She looked back at him and his face was unchanged. She noted his grasp on the edge of the door was so tight his knuckles had turned white and she wondered if he was holding back anger.

“Look, Solas, I know it’s been weird between us but I just couldn’t stand to be alone up there after that dream. Can I just come in and...talk? We don’t even have to talk...we could just sit--”

“I’m sorry, Inquisitor.” he cut her off suddenly.

Fira’s breath caught in her throat as she realized what was happening. 

“It is very late.” he continued. “Perhaps you could order some tea from the kitchens to soothe your nerves.” He dipped his chin slightly at the final word, a gesture that felt like a dismissal. 

She opened her mouth to speak, or had it already been open from the shock of his tone? A small sound escaped her but she couldn’t muster any more than that.

_’I am here, you are not alone.’_

The words echoed in her head and in that moment she wished she could forget them. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to yell at him, to hurt him with sharp words, to somehow force an emotion from him. 

But her mouth didn’t move. She just stared at him, watching his expression turn to impatience. 

How could he be so cold? Was it so easy for him to stop caring for her entirely? He couldn’t even muster a thread of compassion when she needed her best friend?

Every part of her body felt as though it were floating away from her and her only hope to become whole again was drifting away along with it. And the pressure. It was in her chest telling her not to breathe, behind her eyes telling her to cry.

Instead she pulled her gaze away from him, clenched her jaw shut and spun around to leave him as fast as possible. Walking swiftly out of the corridor, out of the rotunda, across the main hall and out into the garden until her feet felt cold dirt and grass.

Fira looked up into the sky. The clouds were still thick, but she could see them drifting. She watched intently to catch any glimpse she could of the stars beyond.

Warm silent tears glided over her ears.

Before she knew it she was on her back in the dirt, an almost forgotten familiar and comforting sensation. She stared into the night sky. The encounter with Solas had somehow brought her over the edge. Instead of panic and sadness all she felt was numb. Her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace but it was some time before she fell asleep. 

When she woke up with the sun the next morning the clouds were still thick overhead, but her dreams had been mundane and uneventful. She felt a wave of embarrassment as she recalled Solas’ face from the night before, one ear hidden behind the door he wouldn’t even open all the way for her. She would not make that mistake again.

**Author's Note:**

> I like the idea that Solas can manipulate Lavellan's dreams to stay peaceful and deter demons from harassing her. I dont know. I think she had a nightmare because he got so caught up in his own pain and trying to remove himself from her that he just left her to take care of herself that night... so of course her mind wandered to the thing that has been the most soul crushing part of her whole inquisition experience.
> 
> So when she goes to his door he feels very guilty for everything and its very hard for him to send her away but he has to. Because he *has* to keep his distance. But when she goes back to sleep he definitely used his abilities to keep her dreams uneventful for the rest of the night.
> 
> So anyway...uhhh..thanks for reading my tiny pain baby?


End file.
